This is a list of fictional characters from the television series Bo' Selecta!.
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Craig David is one of the main Bo' Selecta characters. His catchphrases are "Proper Reet Bo" and "Proper Bo, I tell thee!". He is portrayed as having a very large chin, with a beard made with a pen. Craig has a very strong Yorkshire accent. He carries around a plastic peregrine falcon on his wrist named "Kes", as a reference to the film, Kes. Kes was apparently bought off a man in Huddersfield who had a dog with one leg. He calls Kes a bastard, often when calling her to return. Craig also wears a beanie hat, and his iconic headphones from his "Born To Do It" album cover. In the first series, a segment entitled "Craig David's Life Story" is featured, showing events such as David visiting the doctor to be fitted with a colostomy bag, and attempting to break the american market. For the second series, each episode segment follows him on his nationwide tour, in which he meets Michael Jackson, goes dating, goes for a walk, meets the real Craig David and performs in front of a live audience. In the third series, he attempts to break america again, unsuccessfully. Along the way, he makes a music video for his song "Soda Pop", and gets himself a makeover from Mel B. He appeared in Bo! in the USA, in a weekly segment in which he tries to seduce Holly Valance and earn himself a bronze swimming award.
Michael Jackson is portrayed as a frequent profanitist, usually beginning his segment by shouting "Cha'mone mother f***er!", which is a reference to the word shamone that Michael often used in his music, pronouncing most words with an "ay" at the end, and always wearing the trademark rhinestone glove. In series one, his segment was titled "The Jacksons", which featured Michael showing the viewer around his family home, and having an ongoing feud with The Osbournes. In series two, a segment entitled "Michael Jackass" was premiered, which showed Jackson doing dangerous tasks such as wakeboarding drunk, diving in an aquarium tank covered in fish, ice skating naked, diving into a pool with his arms and legs tied up, and skydiving. In the third series, Jackson's segment was entitled "Doin' Porridge", a parody of the TV series, Porridge. The segment followed his nine weeks of being in jail with his comedy hero Ronnay Barkay. He also appeared in Bo! in the USA, appearing in a renewed version of "Michael Jackass". The character featured in his own special, Chamone Mo Fo Selecta, following his real-life death in 2009.
Mel B is portrayed as a drunk, scary and dirty old woman. She has white skin, red hair and a massive nose. She speaks in a northern accent and wears a leopard-print top, revealing a disturbingly hairy chest. Her best known catchprase is "yer bastard ye!", however, also often makes remarks regarding lesbian sex and her minge. In the first series, she features in a segment in which she promotes her new book, which discusses the split of the Spice Girls and her love for her stuffed tiger. In the second series, she becomes a non-weekly character, only appearing three times during the series, appearing in segments when she goes on holiday, shows us her "Crib" and talks about Girls Aloud. In the third series, she becomes a regular character again, and appears in a segment entitled "The Odd Couple". The segment shows her living with singer and actress Patsy Kensit, whom she is always trying to seduce. She also appears in Bo! in the USA, however, as a non-regular character.
David Blaine is portrayed as sex-obsessed street magician. Throughout the first two series, Blaine was featured in a self-titled segment, which saw himself perform tricks against unsuspecting female members of the public. However, during the trick, he is seen rubbing his hands on their breasts or other womanly features. In series two, each trick would involve one piece of the womna's underwear being removed from their body and worn by Blaine. After the trick, he tells the person that if they want their underwear back, they would have to "get a room" with him. He didn't appear in series three or in Bo! in the USA.
Many of the Osbourne family are parodied on Bo' Selecta. They have also appeared on the show as themselves, usually while being stalked by Avid. Ozzy is shown to have very long arms, which are constantly moving in front of his body. He is shown to be always mumbling, which makes it impossible to understand what he is saying, apart from the swear bleeps during his sentence. He sometimes shouts "Sharon!" while he is speaking. Sharon is shown to speak in a high-pitched calm voice, quite opposite to what she is like in real life. She is either always sweeping the floor with a brush, or searching for food, a reference to her real life bulimia. Kelly is the most core character of The Osbournes. She is portrayed to be always swearing, and using the word "douchebag" constantly. Throughout series one, she regularly appeared in "The Week In Bits" segment, often meeting other celebrities or talking about her private life. In series two, she has her own segment, entitled "The Kelly Osbourne Show", in which she goes shopping, gets a haircut, slags off other celebrities, or does an advice call-in. Jack was not featured in the first or second series, however, appeared in series three, in a segment in which he interviews a police team. His best known catchprase is "I'm not a murderer, but I could murder a cup of tea."
Avid Merrion, played by Leigh Francis, is the main protagonist of the series. His occupation is a celebrity stalker, after he grew up to become the number one celebrity super fan in the world. Originating from the small town of Arachnipuss near Transylvania, Avid was born to a father who was a Dracula-impersonating stripper. Avid lives in a flat in London, with his dead mother, who keeps in the cupboard, and Craig Phillips from the first series of Big Brother, who he keeps chained up in the toilet. With his slurred and broken English, a ginger mullet, peculiar sexual fetishes, and obsession with showbiz figureheads, he became known as one of the scariest celebrity stalkers. He famously wears a neck brace due to an encounter with Liza Tarbuck. He spends most of his time harassing celebrities at functions such as book signings or movie premières, highlights of which are shown throughout the first two series. Due to his nature, he became noticed by the media during the third series of Big Brother, after he repeatedly attempted to break into the house to get closer to the housemates. By the third series of this show, his newly elevated status in pop culture allowed him to talk one-on-one with celebrities, rather than stalking them. His segments in the series were transformed into his own chat show. In Bo! in the USA, Avid has given his job as a chat show host, and now owns a hotel in Los Angeles, where many famous celebrities come to stay.
The Bear, played by Leigh Francis, is also one of the main protagonists of the series. During series one, the bear's segment, entitled "Showbiz Chat", featured a regular celebrity guest chatting to The Bear, in a location which is only described as "up a tree, on Hampstead Heath". In series two, the segment was upgraded, and entitled "Bedtime With The Bear". The segment featured a similar format, with the exception of the ending, in which the guest would read The Bear a bedtime story, which would feature themselves and other celebrities becoming involved in vulgar acitives. In series three, "A Bear's Showbiz Tail" saw The Bear go on location to interview celebrities. When Avid fails to turn up for the last episode of series three, The Bear is given hosting duties, which resulted in his own christmas special, "A Bear's Christmas Tail", and the entire fourth series being based around his adventures. In Bo' in the USA, he once again has his own segment in which he interviews celebrities. He also regularly features alongside Verne Troyer, who is shown to be The Bear's agent since his move to America.
Keith Lemon, played by Leigh Francis, is a recurring character that has appeared in Bo' Selecta! since series three. He also guest starred in series four, A Bear's Tail, and had a regular feature in series five, Bo! in the USA. Keith is a failed business man, who was most successful in 1993 when he won the award for businessman of the year. Keith first appeared in his own segment in series three, in which he tries to teach blokes who can't get a bird how to get a bird. His plan fails however, and he blames his date Tess Daly, saying that she is a lesbian. Keith also featured in a regular segment in series three, in which he was shown to be Avid's agent, however, his face was never seen because Avid wanted him to be like "that guy out of Home Improvement, him who looks through the fence whose face you never see". Keith once again appeared in series four, A Bear's Tail, in which Mrs. Hennerson, who adopted the Bear, was constantly irritated by Keith, who fancied her. Mrs. Hennerson's husband did not appear in the series, but she did have a boyfriend called Richard Head. Richard didn't like Keith and felt him as a threat. Keith also took a liking to Mrs. Hennerson's daughter, Lillian. In Bo! in the USA, Keith stayed at the Merrion Hotel and constantly tries to impress female celebrities staying there. He also tried to get the Italian Fashion Model Fabio Lanzoni to help him advertise his new market idea, securipole, to try and bring himself back in business.
Ozzey is a recurring character played by Ozzy Rezat. Ozzey was Avid Merrion's gay landlord. He used to make t-shirts for Avid downstairs, but after Avid got a talk show Ozzey was made part of the wardrobe department. Ozzey was a refugee who escaped to England for an unknown reason. In the first episode of series three he accidentally said it out loud and was told off by Avid. When Avid would say television has changed into a 'blank', which would immediately cut to an impersonation of Blankety Blank. All the contestants would be gay celebrities, such as Elton John, Boy George and George Michael. After Bo' Selecta! ended and The Bear got his own show, A Bear's Tail, Ozzey had moved in with Sue Dales and Dave Ian McCall. When Bo' Selecta! returned as a new form, Bo! in the USA, Ozzey was not shown.
David Beckham is child-like and Victoria acts as his mother. In one scene, a journalist asks David if he might be going to Milan, David replied saying: "No, I go to my nan's you silly!" he speaks with a slight lisp and is always asking when it's time for his dinner. Victoria is often grouchy and makes a pig sound while speaking. They only usually appear in either "The Week In Bits" or in the intros and outros.
In Bo' Selecta, Christina is portrayed as a slut, in a reference to her song Dirrty. She speaks in a strong Liverpool accent and wears revealing clothes. She uses the phrase "I'm dead dirrttyyy" at the end of her segment. She first appeared in the second series, where she showed her "Crib" and launched her own video game. She is also a prostitute and sex-obsessed.
Elton John is extremely camp and aggressive. He is always talking about "gayness" and threatens to "Bum you!", meaning having anal sex. Elton often misinterprets questions and also is seen killing his postmen with an axe and claims to hate people. He is usually seen in "The Week In Bits" segment. In Ho Ho Ho Selecta, he delivers his own Queen's speech. He also appeared in Bo! in the USA.
Gareth Gates first appears in series one, in a segment in which he suffers a Tourette-like syndrome. He speaks with a strong Scottish accent and spiked hair. He also appeared in a lot of "The Week In Bits" sketches throughout the second series, in which he was always trying to say something, but couldn't due to his stutter.
Throughout the first series, a sketch where singer Enrique Iglesias's mole would show short segments of what the celebrity characters had been doing during the week was broadcast. The mole spoke with a Geordie accent and at the end would give advice to anyone with a mole how they could torture other people who make remarks about their "mole". This sketch was called "The Week In Whole By Enrique's Mole".
In the second, there was a sketch similar to "The Week In Whole...", but this time using Jordan's nipples. The nipple would always talk critically about a celebrity and would say at the end, "That was the week in bits...You slags!". The other nipple would also add an odd sexual sound at the end of the sketch. Half way through the second series, Jordan's Tits was replaced by Jodie Marsh's Tits, with a different visual intro and voice to the Jordan one, but essentially the same sketch.
Sacha Merrion is the wife and sister of Avid Merrion; she first appeared as a guest star on A Bear's Tail as a co-host of Avid's talk show. For Bo! in the USA, Sacha and Avid run a hotel which is currently home to various celebrities such as Craig David and even the Bear. In the third episode of Bo! in the USA, it is revealed that Avid did not seem to be as romantic as before and she seems to take a liking to the half-wolf half-man head cleaner Ralph. In episode four, she went behind Avid's back with Ralph, but was caught. She later apologised to Avid, however, he then admitted he had been stalking a female celebrity, so both decided to forgive each other and have a baby.
Other minor celebrity characters in Bo' Selecta include Britney Spears, Marilyn Manson, Ricky Gervais, Trisha Goddard, Davina McCall, Geri Halliwell, Nadia Almada, Jonathan Ross, Jade Goody, Richard and Judy, Trinny and Susannah, Lorraine Kelly, Ant & Dec, Simon Cowell, Martin Bashir, Destiny's Child, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.